Rules For Living Near A Stargate
by SashaO'Neill
Summary: Stargate's generally come with some amount of danger and well you need to keep that under control. Especially when you have teams like to act like three years olds on weekends. Here are some few fun rules to remember while hanging out either at the SGC or on Atlantis. told from oc p.o.v Sasha O'Neill. REWRITE of Rules For Atlantis.
1. Rule 1- 10

**A/N: What's this? A remake of Rules for Atlantis? Well look at that it is but now Rules for living near a Stargate. Well…I'll work on that title. **

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

Rule # 1 You are not allowed under any circumstances to bungee jump off of the main tower. Are you trying to give Doctor Beckett a heart attack?

**(This was because Sheppard **_**and **_**Ronon were bored.}**

**{Carson is still not speaking to them.}**

Rule # 2: Hoard the chocolate and you will be thrown into the brig. With no way out!

**{That was my stash.}**

**{John knew it was as well.}**

**{I DON'T CARE how important he is.}**

**{It was still my stash.}**

Rule # 3: Atlantis is not a yo-yo. We are not sinking it just so you can impress alien woman.

**{The newbies to Atlantis.}**

**{Not only if its just for four seconds.}**

**{I don't wanna die!}**

Rule # 4: Atlantis is not 'The Shinning City of Sparkles,'

**{This is why we don't bring **_**any **_**villagers back to the city.}**

**{Teyla…}**

Rule # 5: The next person who sings 'Nobody's Perfect,' will be left on a planet with no DHD.

**{Haha. Hahahaha. I've destroyed all their lives.}**

Rule # 5a: The Atlantis version of 'Nobody's Perfect,' is not to be sung on Earth. We want the SGC to think we're semi normal.

**{Jack just stared at me like I'd gone mad.}**

**{You don't want to know what he did to John.}**

Rule # 6: NO rollerblading through the corridors.

**{Wow…those doors are hard when you're going twenty miles per hour.}**

**{Liz banned me from my 'blades.}**

**{I'm having rollerblading withdrawls.}**

Rule # 7: The following Disney shoes are banned:

_Hannah Montana: _**{'Best Of Both Worlds' got stuck in John's head and he sings it **_**everywhere.**_**}**

**{Even when fighting the wraith.}**

_Sonny With A Chance: _**{Again, theme song, John's head.}**

**{and Rodney. You are not Chad Dylan Cooper.}**

Rule # 8: Never skateboard through the gate.

**{Bloody Evan and Chuck bet me twenty bucks I couldn't do it.}**

**{I came back with a broken wrist and a concussion.}**

**{Liz banned me from skateboarding.}**

Rule # 9: No more karaoke night.

**{Rodney for the sake of our ears **_**stop **_**singing Justin Bieber.} **

**{I love my 'Best Of Both Worlds.'}**

Rule # 10: No more stealing my DVD's from _my _room.

**{I will find out **_**who **_**stole my 'Family Guy.' DVD.}**

**A/N: Well there you have it. I'm back sort of. Anyway I hope you enjoy and don't forget to leave a review!**


	2. Rule 11 - 20

**A/N: **

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

SGC – Chapter 2

Rule # 11: No more quoting 'Family Guy' around the base.

_Butt scratcher…Get your butt scratcher here!_ **{So okay the To'kra think I am a weird child.}**

_Cool Whip. Why are you saying it weird. _**{I hate to admit, but I tease Daniel…a lot.}**

_Surfin' Bird _{That song is currently banned from Syler's life.}

Rule # 12: Do not, I repeat, do NOT annoy any of the female staff when it's 'That Time Of The Month,'

**{Poor Poor Jack. He has to live with me.}**

**{Daniel almost got a ZPM chucked at him by Sam.}**

**{Vala…Vala is the worst.}**

Rule # 13: On a off world mission. Don't hide the tissues from Daniel.

**{Seriously. He's such a whiner.}**

Rule # 14: Quoting 'The Simpson's' will have to stop.

**{Jack doesn't agree with this rule.}**

_Whenever I learn new stuff it pushes the old things outta my brain. _**{It's not a real excuse anymore for me.}**

Rule # 15: No quoting Wizards either.

_I can't take YOU seriously. You use big words like transparent. What are you British? _**{Me & Daniel.}**

_Sasha you're just in time for game night! Oh sorry I don't play games that end in crime scene tape. __**{**_**Teal'c is a really mean player.}**

_Who are you talking about? That Ancient woman. She thinks we're dating, I need your sneaky cunning advice of how to get rid of her. Dump her! Just dump her. Dump her hard! _**{Daniel hasn't come to me for relationship advice for a while now.}**

_Well This is awkward. _**{Ba'al really hates me sometimes.}**

_What are we gonna do! You said 'we' so officially, you're in! Man every time. _**{Jonas and me.}**

Rule # 16: There's to be no more Transformers.

**{Jonas tried to creat Wheelie…baad move.}**

Rule # 17: Don't play truth or dare with the Newbies.

**{They freak and want to leave.}**

**{One actually passed out that I had a Gou'uld in me once.}**

**{Don't know why? Everyone knew.}**

Rule # 18: No more late night parties.

**{I may or may not have taken Jonas for the 'real' human experience.}**

**{We didn't come to work for about a day and a half.}**

Rule # 19: No playing golf through the Stargate.

**{Jack…was having a crisis again.}**

**{he hit me on the head!}**

Rule # 20: If Doctor Jackson doesn't get his morning coffee he become Evil!Jackson.

**{Like seriously he's pissy without his morning coffee.}**

**{He scares me when he's pissy.}**

**{Although…**_**I **_**was the one that didn't get him his coffee.} **


	3. Rule 21 - 30

**A/N: **

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

**I'm seeing you guys are reading this…come on guys gimmie some feeeeedback :D**

Atlantis – Chapter 3

Rule # 21: No quoting 'Hannah Montana'

_Did you just shove pie in your face? It's not pie. It's umm a foaming facial wash pie. _

**{Don't ask.}**

_{Comm Link coming through.} Are you gonna answer that? No I'm talking to you, that would be rude._

**{It happened when Liz was calling for me.}**

**{I just ended up getting grounded. Again.}**

**{I'm 24 and still getting grounded.}**

_What if one friend loved another friend, but that friend didn't get loved back? Then things would get all weird and the friends couldn't be friends anymore. And there's nothing more important than our friendship, Rodney. _

_Oh man you love me?_

_Eww no. I mean I do love you but like a brother or a pet fish. I mean I'd cry if I'd have to flush you down the toilet._

**{So…we're not allowed to have drinks together.}**

**{Ever. Again.}**

Rule # 22: When confronting Michael, DO NOT give him my DS.

{He will go mad.}

{Why? Because he loves his _Pac 'n Roll._}

Rule # 23: Keep Rodney away from liquid nitrogen.

**{He was freezing everything.}**

**{Including the following items.}**

**{-John's Laptop**

**-My black Converses **

**-Elizabeth's mobile**

**-Evan's new ipod {again, he was in the infirmary.}**

**-and various other things.}**

**{I threw my good pair of shoes at his head.}**

**{He only ended up seeing Carson.}**

Rule # 24: Never piss Teyla off.

{Nuff said.}

Rule # 25: Never let Rodney play _Dead Space._

**{Rodney screams like a girl.}**

**{John and I still haven't let that go.}**

**{I had to see Carson, because I couldn't stop laughing.}**

Rule # 26: Never let the kids from Teyla's world use my skateboard.

**{They ended up getting hurt, and I got the blame.}**

**{'They stole it from me,' Does not work.}**

**{Anymore.}**

Rule # 27: Never, during lunch exclaim…_Yay Wieners and peas for lunch!_

**{Everyone stayed away from me for a while.}**

**{Rodney laughed so hard, he started chocking.}**

**{Ironically on a hotdog.}**

Rule # 28: Never challenge any wraith to a staring contest.

**{You will lose.}**

**{Badly.}**

**{I still have my grudge against Kenny.}**

Rule # 29: Banging your head against any surface is forbidden.

**{I forgot where I was and whacked my head on a sharp point, of something.}**

**{13 stiches.}**

Rule # 30: Double dog dares are forbidden.

**{Rodney ended up having a broken arm.}**

**{John got stuck to a chair. For three days.}**


	4. Rule 31 - 40

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

SGC – Chapter 4

Rule # 31: Never dare Walter, Doctor Lee and Syler to chug a whole litre of soda.

**{They burped for half an hour.}**

**{Doctor Lee threw up.}**

**{Sam was not happy with me.}**

Rule # 32: Simple rules are forbidden now too.

**{The older staff have no sense of humour.}**

**{Well…IOA doesn't.}**

Rule # 33: Quoting _JONAS _is half and half

_Sasha, when a boy is mean to a girl, he's crushing on her._

_Are you defending him?_

_No ma'am._

_I told you '_Jonas' password,' _is a bad password._

_You know. I do have an idea how we can make this right._

_Really? Can you tell us your idea without using the words: Chowder, Monkey, Pogo or Time Machine?_

…_No._

**{Vala is short on idea's sometimes.}**

Rule # 34: Food must stay in the mess hall. _That includes you, Ja-General O'Neill._

{I found Jello _in_ Sam's bed.}

{A _lot _of grapes in Teal'c's cupboard.}

{and Daniel…I have no idea what that was.}

Rule # 35: Never let Daniel give you a blinded make over.

**{He doesn't know when to stop.}**

**{He wrote a whole series of Ancient on my forehead…}**

**{What make up goes on the forehead like that!?}**

Rule # 36: _Camp Rock _songs aren't to be sung around the base.

**{Hearing **_**This is Me **_**a thousand times can become annoying.}**

**{and no…no more **_**We Rock**_**.}**

**{And no more dancing…}**

Rule # 37: I cannont plan Sam and Jack's wedding.

**{Hey who said they weren't getting married?}**

**{Apparently them.}**

**{and law.}**

**{Stupid law.}**

Rule # 38: Don't let Joe meet Jack.

**{It started off with a lot of 'Jack' stares.}**

**{and then they talked…about stuff.}**

**{Weird.}**

Rule # 39: No one sneaks up on me when I'm dancing.

**{I nearly broke Cam's nose.}**

**{Good thing Teal'c was there.}**

Rule # 40:

THE FOLLOWING PRANK IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED:

Never hide a pop up alien in your shirt, then in the middle of a huge group of Scientist, say your stomach hurts then make the little alien pop out.

**{They all screamed IT WAS SO EPIC!}**

**{Doctor Lamb shrieked, (as they all did), then raced me to med-bay. I was this close to getting 546 stitches and multiple blood transfusions.}**

**{To say Jack was unhappy was an understatement.}**


	5. Rule 41 - 50

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

Atlantis – Chapter 5

Rule # 41: We are not allowed to do another _Twilight _parody.

**{All the girls wanted to be Bella.}**

**{John just had to come in and say that it was my idea. I ended up being Bella.}**

**{Next thing I know I'm Bella and John's Edward.}**

Rule # 42: Same rule applies for _The Vampire Diaries._

**{This time it happened when Michael was human.}**

**{I was Elena, John was Stefan and Michael was Damon.}**

**{That was until he really became dangerous.}**

**{Then we nicknamed him 'Wraith Damon'.}**

Rule # 43: Don't play the song, _Blame it on the Alcohol_

**{Sheppard, McKay and everyone else use it as an excuse to drink more beer.}**

**{Carson threw it all out when they were passed out on the floor.}**

**{Woolsey was very angry when all of the Budlight was gone.}**

Rule # 44: Never quote _Chowder. _Todd really wants to make sure this one is understood.

_I'm not your boyfriend._

_I'm almost not gonna kill you. _**{I love saying that to the scientists.}**

_Pepper spray? That sounds delicious! _**{It's not.}**

_Burple Nurples!_

_Trees are tall. And if you fall from tall, you go quiet forver!_

_Failure tastes like a bad turnip…I don't even like turnips! _**{I tried to sound important during a meeting.}**

_Hey! Come back! I'm not done ignoring you! _**{Rodney and Zelenka's relationship in a nut shell.}**

_But waiting hurts my soul! _**{I enjoy saying that to Elizabeth.}**

_But everyone has a catch phrase! _**{Lorne refused to say, 'Now you know and knowing half the battle,'}**

**{Kill joy.}**

_I like time travel! I also like kangaroos and circus tents. _**{that is fun saying at random intervals.}**

_Men don't cry. They weep! _**{McKay was crying during Finding Nemo.}**

_My inner voice tickles my spleen. _**{Don't say that around Carson.}**

**{There's so many more, but Todd is glaring.}**

Rule # 45: Never try to explain 'The Powerpuff Girls' to Michael

**{He wanted to make his own 'Chemical X' and make me, Teyla and Cadman super heros.}**

**{'I call being Blossum!}{Cadman}**

**{'I'm so Buttercup.}{Teyla.}**

**{And because I'm the youngest I'm Bubbles.}**

**{But Elizabeth said no.}**

Rule # 46: Please don't quote Whose line.

**{Todd had no idea so many people would keep doing it.}**

_There's nothing like butt toast and head eggs. _**{Elizabeth's disgusted face was hilarious.}**

_Bathe the whales!_

_Nice pants. _**{Ronon went around the base saying that to everybody.}**

_Hmmm…say ten hail Mary's and the Gilligan's island theme._

_You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories._

_SHUT UP AND TOUCH THE MONKEY! _**{Sheppard and I yelled that out during a Wraith ambush.}{Don't ask.}**

_I'll have a cheeseburger, some fries and a cooooke!_

_Somebody turn off the Michael Bolton music!_

_There's nothing like a 200 pond snatch, if you know what I mean. _**{Teyla and I threw our bagels at McKay.}**

Rule # 47: When I said no more _High School Musical, _that includes the sequel Cadman.

**{Lorne and his men won't stop singing ''I Don't Dance,'}**

**{Michael doesn't appreciate being tortured by listening to 'You are the music in me.' over and over and over again.}**

**{Although, that is damn funny!}**

**{John has taken to listening to , 'Right here, right now,' over and over and over again.}**

**{I kindly told him to, 'STOP IT!'}**

Rule # 48: Do not prank Woolsey

**{Even though it is very tempting.}**

**{It puts a major strain on IOA/Atlantis relations.}**

**{He was very unhappy when I spike his shampoo with hair-dye, which made his hair a very bright pink colour.}**

**{He knew something was wrong when everyone saw him and couldn't stop laughing.}**

**{Including me.}**

Rule # 49: No we can't make our own version of LOST.

**{I was watching it and Rodney got this look on his face.}**

**{Two hours later we were on some planet near the beach.}**

**{I told Rodney that we didn't have a Sawyer.}**

**{And guess who turned up…MICHAEL!}**

**{Adorable bastard.}**

Rule # 50: Whenever one of the Friendly Wraith asks what you like, never reply casually, 'I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.'

**{Carson made me do a mentality test.}**

**{I shockingly passed.}**


	6. Rule 51 - 60

**A/N: **

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

**I'm seeing you guys are reading this…come on guys gimmie some feeeeedback :D**

SGC – Chapter 6

Rule # 51: Never start quoting the Simpsons

**{Jack's not amused that this is up here.}**

_Spider Pig, Spider pid does whatever a spider pig does…can he swing from a web, no he can't he's a pig, loooook out he is the spider pig. _**{That song travelled throughout the SGC faster than a virus.}**

_Just once, I would like someone to call me 'Miss' without the 'You're making a scene.' _**{That is my personal favourite.} {Sure, Homer asid it with sir, but I am no sir!}**

_I like my beer cold…my tv loud…and my homosexuals flaming!_

_Stop pestering Satan! _**{Jack actually said this to me.} **

_Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis._

_Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand. _**{Daniel finally admitted he doesn't know everything.} {Then he said that.}**

_That guy impressed me. An I'm not that easily impressed. Wow! A blue dart. _**{Bra'tak was alarmed when I pointed to him.}**

_Ohhh, my ovaries! _**{Cam…if that excuse didn't work for Bart, what makes you think it was going to work for you?}**

_Mmm…Pistol whip…_

_D'oh!_

_Sam, I want you to remember me as I am now…filled with murderous rage. _**{That was after a rather nasty day with the To'kra.}**

**{I'm amazed we are still allowed to watch this show on base.}**

Rule # 52: When the emergency alarm goes off, never do or say the following:

_Nobody panic! Nobody panic! Just follow these simple instructions…crap, where'd I put them?_

_I never said they would never find us, I recall saying that it would take longer…_

_Who's in charge here? _Then answer by pointing to the opposite person. **{Jack and Sam.}{That really made me laugh.}**

_Anyone know how to turn this thing off? _**{Vala.}{Yeah.}**

_Once again, finding a virgin to sacrifice. __**{**_**The Gou'ould are not interest in virgins.}{Not that I know of?}**

_Why didn't they DOOOOOOOOOOODDDGGGEEE?_

**{We get up to all kinds of antics.}**

**{Doctor Lamb and General Landry are amazed we all haven't been killed yet.}**

**{I'm sort of amazed myself…}**

Rule # 53: Never strap leaf blowers to your back while wearing roller blades.

**{Sure you get around the SGC much faster.}**

**{But according to Daniel, it's unsafe.}**

**{But man, it was so much fun!}**

**{The look on General Landry's face when Vala and Cam went zooming by.}**

**{So priceless.}**

Rule # 54: If someone on base coughs very loudly, never say the following:

_*'How the tuberculosis? Is it better?' _**{Bad idea all around.}**_  
*'Did you cough up a bar stool?'  
*'Ya know, you really need to switch brands..'  
*'If you're gonna choke to death, could you do it more quietly?'  
*'Hey, I found your lung!'  
*'Dude, did one of your balls drop?'_

**{Frasier takes medical jokes way to seriously.}**

**{But I laughed when Sam had to be taken in to be 'examed.'}**

Rule # _55:_ Never say the following, just because you can:

_*'Whoa! I like the way you said that. BOOM!'  
*'He's so boring! He doesn't get mad when I poke him!'  
*'I__bet__there's a gnome living up there. He waits in the confinements of her hair during the day until she starts poking it with pizza crust and feeds him!" _**{Cameron making fun of my messy hairdo.}  
**_*'NOTHING! I JUST FELT LIKE HOLDING MY EYE AND SCREAMING!'_

_*'There are voices in my head...and they keep telling me to throw Bill off the roof.' _**{Doctor Lee ran away from me after that 0.o}**_  
_

_*'I'm a vegetarian...except for steak! I love steak!'  
*'I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse!' _**{Making fun of Daniel's new 'messenger bad' is bad.}**

**(Once again, newly arrived Aliens will question the human races sanity.)**

Rule # 56: Ball pits have been banned.

**{Which is good and bad.}**

**{Daniel stayed in that thing for five hours, sorting out all of the balls by color and size.}**

**{He does odd things after being dumped.}**

**{I eventually volunteered to go in and try to get him out.}**

**{It took me half an hour to catch him.}**

**{It didn't help that he kept popping up on the other side of me and saying, 'Bazinga!'}**

**{All of the Guys were laughing hysterically.}**

**{Grrr...}**

Rule # 57: Never say the following randomly, during meetings, or when you're near Mar'touf:

-Yo face! **{it confuses them soooooo horribly.}**

- Yo momma! **{I love it when they respond "What about my mother!"}**

-Uh, does anyone have a giant tampon?' **{That is just fun to say all around.}**

-Wait...the snakes were supposed to be fake? **{Walter took off running.}**

-Which way to the happy house?

-F** you! *hold one middle finger up* Up the ass! *other middle finger* Twice! *criss-cross*

-OMG YOU WOULD NEVER BELIEVE WHAT JUST-kitten! *run towards imaginary kitten* **{Of course, I did that when Jacob and Mar'touf where in the room.}**

Rule # 58: Never greet any new comer (Jaffa) with disturbing Nature videos.

**{Especially the one of the small owl eating the large rodent.}**

**{O.o...Ugh...}**

Rule # 59 : General O'Neill (Trying to be nice mwaha) , never tell them about all the stupid things I did as a child.

{**Especially about the time I hydroplaned across a parking lot.}**

**{With my body.}**

**{I still don't know how it happened.}**

**{I don't think I ever will.}**

Rule # 60: No more quoting or watching Invader Zim.

_*'Tell me a story about giant pigs!'_

_*'No, I - Wait... What do eyes have to do with breathing?'_{Oh THAT one Replicator...so uneducated about**the human body**in so many ways.}

_*'What's wrong with you? All you talk about is aliens and ghosts and seeing Bigfoot in your garage!'_{I swear, Syler is so paranoid.) (He made that statement even better when he replied, 'He was using the belt sander...'}

_*'Awww... I wanted to explode.'_(Jack thinks I'm spending way to much time with Sam...)

_*Children, your performance was miserable. Your parents will all receive phone calls instructing them to love you less now.'_{Okay, maybe my old teacher never said that, but man she was a bitter old woman.}

_*All I wanted was to have some pizza, hang out with Joe, and not let your weirdness mess up my day!'_{Once again, me yelling at The Rebel Jaffa...}

_*'Fire some kinda laser... thingie at 'em; RIGHT NOW!_' {Oh Cam...how we all put up with you is a mystery.}

_*'Hi floor! Make me a sandwich!_**{Daniel** keeps questioning my sense of humour…}

_*'But I__need__tacos! I need them or I will explode. That happens to me sometimes...'_{The newbie's totally fell for it!}{I got sooo many tacos!}

_*'Why was there BACON IN THE SOAP?'_{I just enjoy yelling that at random intervals.}{I also enjoy the sentence because it has bacon in it.}

{Once again, General Landry, Sam and Jack questions Jackson and I's taste in shows…}

A/N: Some of these rules are not mine.

They belong to Tatyana Witwicky. Written for her Transformers guide.

She gave me permission a couple of years ago to use them :3


	7. Rule 61 - 70

**A/N: **

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

**I'm seeing you guys are reading this…come on guys gimmie some feeeeedback :D**

SGA – Chapter 7

Rule # 61: Never Auction off the Todd or Kenny on Ebay or Craigslist.

**{Let's face it, no one would want them.}**

**{Those who do...}**

**{May God have mercy on your soul.}**

**{Because God will be too busy laughing at you.}**

Rule # 62: Playing tennis indoors is not allowed.

**{It wasn't me who broke all the windows in the training room.}**

**{It was Rodney} {No IT WASNT *R.M}**

**{Fine.}**

Rule # 63: Same thing goes for Ping-Pong.

**{Yeah, Michael broke a pot plant of Liz's.}**

**{She was not happy.}**

Rule # 64: What to never say during an interrogation of a wraith or Todd.

_'__is it just me or is it getting hot in here.'_** {This got me into the infirmary for about three weeks because John was worried.}**

**{Because i had already dated a wraith before.}**

_'__OMG! It's you! It's really you!_** {Then continue to stare at said wraith with dreamy eyes.}**

**{It gets weird stares out of EVERYONE.}**

Rule # 65: do not say these during a wraith/replicator attack.

_**'**__Rodney____**activate**____the force filed.' _{That was Sam.}_'...What force filed?'_ {That was Rodney oh so smart reply.} {I whacked my head against the hardest thing i could find.}

{Which I found out was Todd...Woops. =D}

_**'**__Okay what's plan A_ {I asked} {Everyone looked at me oddly.} _"Okay what's plan B then?"_ {Still no response.} _Does ANYBODY have a plan?_ {Even after the attack no plans were made.}

Rule # 66: Evan and I are no longer allowed to play on a rope attached to a pulley.

**{Don't ask what we were thinking.}**

**{When Evan and I get bored...no good could come out of it.}**

**{Nearly gave Carson and Elizabeth heart attacks...again.}**

**{Especially when we were high enough look down at both of them.}**

Rule # 67: Do not quote The Pink Panther 1 or 2.

**{Those movies are amazing!}**

**{John loves them!}**

_*'Without warning, I will attack you. In this way, I will keep you vigilant and alert.'_ {**Like I said, I like keeping the men in my life afraid with random outbursts of rage.}{And really stupid looking karate moves.}**

_*'Stop browbeating her! Can't you see she is sexy?'_ {**Teyla thanked me for the compliment.}**

_*'Let me bring you up to speed... We know nothing. You are now up to speed.'_ **{****Good to know, John...}{That shut Woolsey up at least.}**

_*'If he solves this case, I'm perfectly willing to run around for 24 hours wearing nothing but a tutu carrying a big, pink, fluffy handbag.'_ {**Hell of a visual there, Rodney...}**

_*'I had to quit being a Buddhist because I feel so much hate.' {_**Prue, you weren't even a buddist in the first place…} {My god she gets it from her farther.}**

Rule # 68: No singing songs from Whose line!

**{Todd really, really hates this show now.}**

_*'I'm lucky little mister, I don't need you, I'm dating your sister..'_ **{Rodney has this gift of pissing off Cadman in less than****three****seconds...}**

_*'Luck be a lady tonight! Everybody!' _**{No one sang with John.} {Sad day.}**

_*'We call it Butte, not Butt, Montana..'_ **{Ehehe..} {Butt...}**

**{The list can go on and on…}**

**(But for Todd's sake, I... i mean we will stop there...)**

Rule # 69: Do not, for the love of god, mix energy drinks.

**{Ha Ha...yeah...}**

**{The whole Rec. Room looked like it'd been ransacked…}**

**{I was looking for my pen!}**

**{'I shall name him Bob'}**

**{'Why is she naming writing utensils?'}**

**{Oh 'Lizbeth...you have no idea how random I can be…}**

Rule # 70: The "Friendly" Wraith are no longer allowed to play Monopoly.

**{'Do not pass go! Do not collect $200.00…'}**

**{'Michael, shut up and let me into Liz's office!'}**


	8. Rule 71 - 73

**A/N: **

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

**I'm seeing you guys are reading this…come on guys gimmie some feeeeedback :D**

SGC – Chapter 8

Rule # 71: The 'Ferrets Song' is banned from base.

**{It starts out sounding all cheery and happy.}**

**{Then it gets a little...odd.}**

**{Cam's face when he heard me singing the last part…}**

**{Oh lord.}**

**{'I love the feel of grain, the screams of a man in pain...'}**

**{Maybe it was the look on my face that startled him.}**

Rule # 72: Never quote Sue Sylvester from Glee.

**{That woman is epic!}**

_*'-If it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and buy you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat and on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.' _**{Sam is extremely evil when she wants to be.}**

_-'I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help picturing small birds laying sulfurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting!_'** {Pete made the mistake of asking me why I always give Anderson so much crap.}{I think he regretted asking me.}**

_-'I'm all about empowerment. I empower my men to live in constant fear by creating an environment of irrational random terror.' __**(Syler**_** shuffled away.)**

_-'For me trophies are like__herpes__. You can try to get rid of them but they just keep coming. You know why? I have hourly flare ups of burning itchy highly contagious talent.'_

_-'Your resentment is delicious.'_

_-'Add revenge to the long list of things you're no good at._' {**I enjoy giving Walter a hard time.}**

_-'Lady Justice wept today.'_

_-Prepare to be crushed.'_ **{Vala.}**

_-All I want is one day a year when I'm not visually assaulted by uglies and fatties._

_-So much sneaky gay deception!_

Rule # 73: Quotes from Red vs. Blue are discouraged.

**(But lets' face it, we haven't followed any of the 'Do not quote' rules as of yet.)**

_*'There's a very__fine line__between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.'_ **(Jack did not find that line amusing.)**

_*'Relax, I'm not going to give it a cold. I'm just gonna go in there, step on its neck, and shoot it in the head. Because that's how I roll.' _**{That was Teal'c.}**

_*'He is not pregnant!'_ **{Again with the 'Food baby' jokes.}**

_*'I will fucking stab you, computer phone lady!_

_*'You're round and you can't wear pants.'_ **{I enjoy saying any sentence with pants in them.}**

_*'Goodbye Major Cinnamon Bun, I will always remember your buttery goodness.'_ **{Daniel glared at Cameron...for an hour}**

_*'Your toast has been burned and no amount of scraping will remove the black stuff!'_ {**I wanted toast, dammit!}{I was too lazy to make more.}**

_*'SHEILA! COME BACK TO ME! I MADE YOU A MUFFIN!'_ {**I just love saying that **_**randomly.}{Jack asked me who this Sheila was.}**_

_*'Also someone might have been surprised by that and peed his pants... Just a little bit... Or a lot.'_ **{Jonas...just admit it...Anubis scared the piss out of you.}**

_*'That was you...I thought the tooth fairy was mad at me...'_

_*'OH crap, OH crap, OH crap, running, running, running!'_ {**Ba'al was astounded at how fast humans can run when under the threat of being blown up.}**

_'Well at least I don't go around knocking on peoples non-doors and promising them cookies AND THEN NOT GIVING THEM COOKIES! I'M! LEAVING!'_ **{Oh pregnancy, thou art a heartless bitch.}**

_*'Hey, The box is there for a reason. I feel safe in there.'_ **{****Prue and I were hiding from Lam.} {Cam found that funny.}**

_*'If you had backed up any further you would have had to mail him the bullets!'_

_*'That sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican sasquatch.'_

_*'Hey Sasha! How you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets! In your face! How you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears?'_ **{Doctor Lee is a very sore winner.}**

_*'PROTECT ME CONE!'_

_*'I think yelling should be reserved for only the most critical of situations...Like when someone drinks milk from out of the carton!' _**{Simmons really hates it when Jack, Cam, or myself do that.}**

_*'You're about to get Simmonsized!'_** {That is his new slogan.}**

_*'Simmons! I need your ovaries!'_ **{Hammond gave me an odd look.}**

**{Simmons put his hand on my shoulder and said the following, 'Darling Sash...one..I am a man...and two, if I did...like I'd give them to you...'}**

**{Major sweat drop moment.}**

_*'And you will hear my laser face!'_

_*'Blue vs. Red battles. No one says Red vs. Blue. It sounds stupid when you say it backwards.'_ **{That was Daniel.}**

_*'I WILL EAT YOUR UNHAPPINESS!' {_**Walter screamed that at Syler, who was looking less than pleased.}{That startled him just a bit.}**

*_'Not my fault, Jonas did it.'_ **{That's my answer for anything that goes wrong.}{It really doesn't work if Jonas isn't even in the same room.}{Or the same galaxy for that matter.}**

_*'Oh, him. Yeah, um... he let me out and then somehow shot himself in the back somehow. Uh... but we don't think it was anyone's fault, everybody agrees it was an accident.' {_**I'm terrible at making excuses as to why there was a dead Ori in the brig and I just happened to be the only person there at the time.}**

_*'What're you gonna do, shoot ghost bullets? "Hey I'm Casper the friendly bullet".'_

_*'What's wrong Ba'al, having trouble keeping it up? Don't worry, happens to everybody. Well, not me but...'_ {**Oh my god, I couldn't believe Jack said that!}{That was the best thing ever!}**

_*'It's not pink, its light-ish red!'_ **{Yeah, sure Doctor Lee…}**

_*'Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?'_

_*'Ow! There goes my last kidney! I was saving that for a special occasion.'_

_*'For the love of evil, someone get the phone!'_ {**That one actually had a funny story to it.}{I was just imagining life on a Gou'ould ship, with Ba'al having to deal with his crew being all lazy and shit...}{I mean seriously, have you seen how fat most of them are?}{I said that in my best Ba'al voice while making odd, angry looking faces.}**

_*'Why do we have a million doomsday devices and no answering machine?'_

_*'Ugh, Officer Hot-pants.'_ **{I'm still having nightmares from that.}**

**{My god, this rule was so big, it took up a whole freaking page of report paper!}**

**{Landry was not that amused, but took the paper anyway!}**

**A/N: Yes it's so big I have to stop it here haha. **

**Yay people reviewed and fav'd and liked it! Wooo!**


	9. Rule 74 - 80

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

Atlantis – Chapter 9

Rule # 74: For God's sake, we DO NOT live in a yellow submarine. STOP SINGING THAT DAMN SONG!

**{Someone introduced Teyla to The Beatles.}**

**{It's the only things she's been listening too.}**

**{and the rest of the Exploration.}**

Rule # 75: Please stop painting red eyes on the walls and call the friendly Wraith Spies of Sauron.

**{I was then forever banned on watching Lord Of The Rings Again.}**

**{It was John's idea.}**

Rule # 76: Do not make Zelenka teach you how to say "Put your finger through your neck" in czech. It sounds like a throat disease and you'll end up in medbay. (that sentence has no vocals at all. It's true.)

**{Chuck asked him one day.}**

**{Carson had him in the med bay faster than a cheater.}**

**{Man…he hears everything.}**

Rule # 77: Do not say "Fascinating" in a completely deadpan voice. It's freaking Todd out when you do that.

**{Seriously.}**

**{He stared at Rodney for an hour.}**

**{Then it started to freak Rodney out.}**

Rule # 78: Do not space out staring at a Wraith. It disturbs them.

**{Especially when I do it to Michael.}**

**{He had me locked up and whenever he walked past.}**

**{BAM instant staring.}**

**{I was later left on a planet with a stargate.}**

Rule # 79: Calling Carson "Scotty" or "Mr. Scott" and asking him who let him out of Engineering and why he's running around with medical equipment when his specialiy is warp cores is not funny.

**{I've never seen Evan run so fast.}**

**{-and then I got in trouble because I dared Evan to call him that.}**

**{Party poopers.}**

Rule # 80: "An apple a day keeps the doctor away if you have a good enough aim" is not a valid rule.

**{'It was with Janet' I would reply.}**

**{'That's because she got you in your sleep' Carson retorted.}**

**{Then I screamed like a little girl.}**

**{'Damnit! I'm CLEAN!}**


	10. Rule 81 - 90

**A/N: **

**Keely has now changed to Sasha. And she's now O'Neill niece…well because I can. Anywayyy…**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN JOHN….I might own a Stargate though.**

**Hey Hey look who's back!**

SGC – Chapter 10

Rule # 81: "Do you want to see something strange and mystical?"

{ "NOOOOOOO! GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT WATCH! LAY OFF THE POOR BEAVERS, WILL YA? _SHEEEESH_! YOU'RE A CREEP! GO AWAY! WE WERE HAVING A GOOD TIME UNTIL_YOU _SHOWED UP, JEEPERS! _UUUUUUUUGH_! GO HAVE SOME**COFFEE**, WITH CREAM, OR SOMETHING! BECAUSE I'LL TELL_YOU_SOMETHING: _THIS IS A HAPPY PLACE_!" }

{The whole rec room was dead silent after that.}

{Jack gave me a stern talking too.}

Rule # 82: "I don't want to be a man. I want to be an angst-ridden teenager who can't confront his own inner demons and takes it out verbally on other people instead."

**{Syler.}**

**{I nearly died laughing when he said that to General Hammond and Kinsey.}**

**{Jack's face was priceless!}**

Rule # 83 : Quotes from Zombieland are greatly discouraged around the SGC and small children.

**{Especially small children.}**

**{Certain members of the SGC actually like this movie.}**

*"Time to nut up or shut up!" **{****My personal favourite when frightening new recruits.}{It works...teeheehee}**

*"I'm not great at farewells, so, uh, that'll do, pig." **{Jonas is horrible at saying a simple goodbye..}{I was so pissed off.}{"That's the worst goodbye in the world, and you stole it from a movie!"}**

*"You wanna feel how hard I can punch?" **{Teal'C.} {Simmons ran very fast.}**

*"Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards?" **{Sam walked in at the wrong time.}{I saw her slowly shuffle out of the room.}**

*"It's amazing how fast the world can go from bad to total shit storm." **{Daniel.}**

*"In Mexico, you know what they call Twinkies? "Los submarinos." **{Not sure if it's true...but hey..}**

*"Hey, this may be a bad time, but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl." **{It took the General and Jack about three seconds before they figured out what Walter meant.} {I laughed so hard I nearly passed out.}**

Rule # 84: NO I AM NOT A FAIRY! AND DO NOT CALL ME ONE!

**{Why do people think that I'm a fairy?}**

**{Well maybe it could have been the weird dresses I've been wearing lately}**

**{I blame Daniel for giving me wings}**

Rule # 85: "This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of coffee and now I can see noises."

{That line is better with demented facial expressions.}

{Fraiser has been monitoring my caffeine intake.}

{Sam or Jack haven't been arguing...}

{"I'd rather not get Janet chopped."}

{Damn...That makes no sense.}

Rule # 86: Do NOT play Nyan Cat over the intercom.

**{That was awful but awesome at the same time!}**

**{Jack's desk broke due to him bashing his head into it over and over.}**

**{Sorry Jack the twins made me do it.}**

**{You don't know who the twins are? They are the new members of SG-10.}**

**{Vala looks about ready to murder us while we're sleeping!}**

Rule # 87: Never doubt how many viral videos I have seen..

**{Sooooo many!}**

*** **_Nyan cat._** {Prue thinks Nyan cat is cute and she wants it...she even named it Snow...**

**-_-'}**

*****_The Annoying Orange._** {"Hey, hey Apple...!"} {I did that to Jacob until he hung me from the rafters again...}**

*****_Epic meal time._** {Just...yeah...}**

*****_The bed intruder._** {General Landry and Jack were amazed Vala and I have what that guy says memorized...}{"He's climbing in your windows and snatching your people up...hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause he be raping everyone out here!"}{Yeah, we're nerdy...I have the t-shirt...I was actually wearing it...heeheehee}**

*****_Sittin' on the toilet._** {Hearing Teal'C singing that made me pass out laughing!}**

Rule # 88: Seriously people Adsf Movie NUMBAH 4! IS A No quote.

*_I'm gonna do an internet...Wahhhh!_

_I'm gonna do a book...oh_

*{**Com link comes through}** _This is a robbery_

Dun dun dunnnn

_Hang up_ **{****You don't want to hang up on Sam….that was awkward.}**

*_THE SCIENCE SHOW_

**{Piano somehow falls out of sky}**

_Whose Idea was this!_ **{I say Daniel's but he wasn't there.}**

_*I wanna be a pie!_ **{Mass Hall awkwardness}**

_*Nice hat_

_Oh thank you_

_I was being sarcastic_

_Well I stole your face _**{ I don't honestly know what Daniel and I were doing. }**

_*I can dream Harold_

**{ There is no Harold on Base. }**

_*I am a Steg-Oh-sorus_

_*Quick shoot me in the face!_

_*Banana fight_

_NO!_

_*THROW THE CHHEEEESEE!_

_*"Are you ever going to run out of muffins?_

_NO. Because I work in zee muffin factory_

**{Jack and Me…Why? Because.}**

Rule # 89: Whenever someone radios you, never say the following:

_*"Sorry, wrong number."_ **{Sam wasn't very happy with Jack.}**

_*"I'm sorry, the person/or Tok'ra you are trying to reach is not in._

_Please leave a message after the beep."_ **{Syler it doesn't fool anyone if you actually say…"beep."}**

_*"Pleasure centre, what tickles you?"_ **{Jack avoided Bill for three weeks.} {I couldn't look at Bill in the eyes without giggling.} {Rather loudly.}**

_*"Oh my god, the voices are back again_!" **{I'm haunted by the stacks of mentality tests.}**

Rule # 90: Sleepovers are not allowed in the gate room

**{Whose bright idea was that?}**

**{...Oh right mine!}**


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